Kakashi's Guide to Everything and Nothing
by bonsai-tea
Summary: This is Kakashi's guide to everything and you will learn everything at the expense of nothing! You will love it, you will hate it...Now no more of the dramatic stuff and get your copy of the guide today! Featured in many stores near you! Review :
1. How to use this book

**Hiya! Dale here! There's been so much work and stuff and despite me telling myself to only work on one story at a time I oh-so smartly decided to just write them all out as long as ideas come into my head^^ I'll be working on each one at least once a day and so updates might take a while.... But it would go faster if you all review on a particular story.^^**

**This is Kakashi's guide to almost everything in life. Nuff said.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the stupid advice you are going to read. **

**Yeah so I have no "dust bunny" it died..... coughspluttercough. Ahem. So yeah this was when I was bored I'll try to make it a crack fic I need more humor in my life TTwTT. If you would like me to include something please review with your desired..uhhh..."tip". Enjoy!**

**(I'm a page break...rawr...yeah...FEAR ME)**

How to Use this Book:

There are a few things that the reader should consider:

This book does not have a table of contents so finding everything would have to take a while.

The print is quite small so you would HAVE to read everything. (Titles are not in bold)

Read when there is a lot of time on your hands or when you realize you are not a good sensei.

The point of the book:

This book was specially designed by Kakashi himself so you, yes you, could be the cool badass ninja he is.

Side effects from reading this book:

If you start becoming fashionably late for everything that is a totally normal trait for readers to have. You WANT to be like Kakashi. The badass part not the lazy-ass but both would do. But don't worry there is a tip in your handy guide to tell you what to do.

Another side effect is the feeling of being pissed off on a daily basis. That's OK. This is perfectly normal for a reader to be pissed off. Cooling down is very easy, just don't got near the book, hyper-active blondes (i.e. Naruto), angsty avengers (Sasuke), annoying pink haired pompoms (Sakura), or anywhere in general.

Now that you know the purpose of the book enjoy the reading!

**Warning: This book will self destruct in about 5 seconds after you have read this message. The solution is really easy. Get another book and try to stop the self destruct button. Happy reading.**

**(I'm a review page break, I MAKE people review)**

_Love it? Hate it? REVIEW IT! This is without much planning and any kinds of reviews make my day. :)_


	2. Excuses, excuses

**So I would like to thank those people who have reviewed/ story alerted my story. If there's anyway that I could make this better then please review and tell me or else I won't continue. :)**

**Warning/ disclaimer: The series, Naruto, does not belong to me. And some people may not like my stories I accept critisism and stuff. I might accidently offend people so please don't take that personally. Enjoy!**

**(I'm a Naruto page break, Believe it!)**

Excuses, Excuses.

Hopefully, by this time, you have stoped the potential bomb from self destructing and decided wisely to just read this book from start to finish just in case there is another one. Well there isn't so don't worry....This book thinks...

Well we all need excuses for everything including being late. Here are a couple excuses that will always work according to Hatake Kakashi.

1) I had to help a cat out of a tree.

2) I helped someone cross the street.

3) I ate a fortune cookie and it told me to be late.

4) I got lost getting here.

5) I was feeding my dolphin. ( A/N: hehe, I had to put that there...)

There are a lot more that this author is too lazy to write so onward to potential reactions from the people you told this too...

1) They may help anything out of a tree including a bob cat. Why? Because they.... are still genin. coughspluttercough. Moving on...

2) They may help random strangers across the street when that stranger could be a deadly S-ranked Akatsuki who is in search of a tailed-demon(which may be you)

3)They might start believing in fortune cookies and then you shall be held responsible for the havoc around the place because of it.

4) Considering that you go the same way just about everyday, what are the chances that you will actually get lost? They will question that.

5) They may stop by Sea World or something and feed dolphins only God knows why. (Kudos for the people who sort of got it)

These are just starter excuses, the more advance you become in this skill the more intricate the excuses like...

A birdie told me to get up late and go slowly or else I will die and I helped a cat out of a tree while a black cat crossed my path so I had to go the long way and on the way there I came across an old woman that needed help with groceries, but right then I saw an old man that needed assistance across the road, then I read my Icha Icha Paradise in peace because you brats won't let me and so that, my students, is why I'm late.

*Depending on how long and how often you use excuses, the person that is hearing this should stop listening right about half way through. For those unfortunate souls that did listen carefully and believed every word you said lets see the set back(s)....

-They will start talking to birds and listening to them like it's a life or death situation in which thay may as well die if it was.

-Refer to #1 above.

-Refer to #2 above

-The worst and last thing you need is a book worm ninja on a mission.

**Chances are, these excuses will not work. This is okay, just wing it and hope for the best. Unless you are prepared for sharp objects being thrown at you mercilessly, I advise writing your will ahead of time. **

**_Right after you read this message, your favorite (or as close to favorite) Akatsuki member will be right behind you. The key is to not turn around because there is a 99.9% chance that they are there to kill you. Don't panic, just run in an organized fashion. You are not running from an S-ranked Ninja that is about to kill you, oh no. You are, as I said earlier, running in an organized fashion, and that isn't the sound out metal, or the glint in that ninja's eyes. Yeah just keep telling yourself that._**

**_* Kakashi would save you but chances are that he is late. Have a nice day._**

Eventually, Naruto comes and saves you and Kakashi gives you an excuse which you could write down somewhere at the back of the book. (But I would not advise that.)

Leave the excuses up to your non-existent imagination.

* * *

I love how this got a bit off topic. x] hehe please review!! And I'm happy to take ideas from people that need advice or want something included in this guide. Just about anything is welcome. This is T-rated so i think we all know the boundaries....right? I doubt myself about that...


	3. Coffee Break 1

**Thank you to all of you who reviewed. I love you all x] Now I don't exactly have any ideas right now, still waiting for you lovely people to ask for advice, I have one that i'm trying to write but I don't really feel it... Also I sure hope that you guys are reading this cause this is like an over view of stuff.**

**But let's take a short break from "How to's" and straight to the main thing. These parts of the book are called "Coffee Breaks" where it doesn't have anything to do with how to do anything what-so-ever. They are usually ridiculously short. I call it a coffee break, you call it "the authoress stalling for an idea." which i am not... coughspluttercough whistles.**

**Warning: Most if not everything in here is over exaggerated. People aren't that stupid I know, but this is a stupid kind of book that has pointless things.**

**There is no mentioning of characters sort of...but nothing but the rant belongs to me. Love it? Hate it? Review it!**

* * *

I guess we already know that Naruto, the once violent, awesomely jam-packed action, ninja show, has been bought by Disney XD for quite a while now. It features the Shippuden version (meaning when he's older) which is a good thing because we could still watch it without slaving on sites looking for the episodes, but here are a few things that strike me most.

1) NARUTO was purchased by DISNEY. DISNEY!! In my mind I think "Naruto + Disney = Oh-God-Something-Is-Gonna-Change-Dramatically." (Which it does may I add), or "Holy-Shit-What-Has-The-World-Come-To?!" Admit it, you were probably thinking "What the fuck?!" the first time this happened but later on you're thinking "What the hell" cuz at least Naruto still goes on right?

2) Because Naruto was purchased by Disney and a wide range of people watch it, they must censor out the blood. I don't blame them, but that's one of the best parts of the show right? Or says the people that I took a poll from...coughspluttercough. As I was saying, not only is the blood gone, but it is also not realistic. Here are some...or one thing that could possibly happen.

- We all wanted to be a Power Ranger, or something like Barbie (or something like that) when we were younger no? We did just about everything to copy them. We put on make-up(or tried) We pretended to be power rangers by jumping up and down and stuff. Now that the blood from Naruto is censored, kids might as well think "Oh when you get stabbed in Naruto, no blood comes out, let's start stabbing each other." There for elimanating the entire population of little kids who watch this.

So what do or did you think when Disney XD took in Naruto?

* * *

Okay, now that rant was just plainly just as pathetic as author notes O.O anyways, the next couple chappies are gonna be up soon^^

Please review with your thoughts! Don't like coffee breaks? Well Kakashi says to deal with it.


	4. Masking the mask?

**Hey! Dale here! errr...so I guess that I would need some sort of an excuse for my lateness... it's because I didn't feel like it. Not really, I feel very bad about not updating, the plot bunnies died...I think I killed about 50 by now...coughpluttercough O.O So this chappie is for Dolly, even though you put it in as anonymous I hope that you are reading this right now. :) Thanks for the idea! As always stated before, any form of advice that you need, I'll put. I'm planning on a chappie on advice needed by other people...but that's just an idea that could be done with the help from you guys! I love and thank you all for reviewing and alerting my story it puts a smile on my face. ^^**

**Disclaimer: The manga/anime, Naruto, will never belong to me or anyone...unless we "borrow" it. The advice is mine. ^^**

**(I'm an angsty page break, I make Sasuke seem overly happy)**

How to properly use your mask without any major incidents occuring

So hopefully you are alive, there fore you are reading this part of the book. Well let's see how long you last kukuku...Ahem.

Anywho, we all want to be like Kakashi- sensei, especially dress like him, i.e. his mask. Here are the steps you need to properly use it and probably make one.

Materials that could be used:

- A towel. Side effects may include someone else's ability to see through it. The towel may slip off because the knot wasn't tied properly. And many other setbacks may occur.

- A paper bag. Side effect: it just won't look cool.

- Some sort of fabric. Make sure to put on more than one layer. Side effect: put on too many layers and you'll simply die and suffocate. This book is not responsible for any deaths that occur if you haven't noticed yet.

-Anything that is not see through. Side effect: Some people in the world lack common sense so using this material is not advised. This material is also hard to come by.

When to wear you mask:

-This should be pretty self explanatory but if you must know. Wear it all the time, even if it kills you. Literally.

-Take it off when eating but put it back on with super ninja speed.

-Take if off infront of girls. Not infront of your gennin. You want to piss them off as much as possible....and make those girls faint. If you're a girl....you could make the...guys...faint....?

Places to avoid when you are wearing a mask:

-A bank. They'll think you're a robber and call the cops.

-A park. You'll scare the crap out of those..er.."innocent" little kids...and people will call the cops.

-A shopping store. They'll think you're weird and call the cops....again.

-Basically don't go anywhere with the mask on.

Wear your mask no matter what. If you let your gennin take your mask off, you will have a lot of fangirls/boys. YOU DO NOT WANT THAT. They are rabid...

***If you have not aquired your mask at this time, you have 5 seconds to put it on or else fans will start chasing you. Whoops too late, book-san suggest you run like hell because there are just a few rabid fangirls and boys running at you. Just a couple hundred not a lot.**

**(I'm a stalker page break, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE)**

Well that's that for that chappie, gah I'm so scared about losing the touch on this it makes me nervous O.O not really but sometimes ^^

Love it? Hate it? Review it! The magic button is somewhere down there...


	5. Coffee Break 2

**20 reviews yay! :) I can't stress it enough how happy you guys make me. I jump for joy when reviews come in and they make me smile. No, I'm serious, i smile like a maniac it's not even funny, i swear, ask the little kids that I've scared O.O'**

**Well this would be another coffee break!~ Expect a lot of those. So now we bring into light...Spongebob-squarepants, a song, and perversion.**

**Warning: perverted comments, you WILL be scarred for life. You will NEVER look at Spongebob the same way again.**

**Disclaimer: Spongebob is not owned by moi. Yes this does not have anything to do with Naruto, I'm aware of that.**

**(I'm a pedo-chan page break, yeah, you better run kukuku...)**

So another job of this book is to scar all your innocent minds for life. One. Innocent. Song. At. A. Time.

Unfortunately, my friend, anomynous-ninja 13 brought this into light and this is what we found.

I'm sure we've heard of Spongebob. We've debated over if he was Asian or not. (I think he is because he's yellow, weird, and can't drive. But I'm Asian and I will say: we aren't weird and we CAN drive)

Always wanted some random hand to pop out of no where...right? We've memorized all the songs and sang them badly. Who could forget those?

And the song that we examine today, is the friendship song. Now you probabaly got the joke already or not, depends on how your mind works. Well my once "pure" mind is not "pure" anymore.

Now here's the normal song: F is for friends who do stuff together. U is for you and me. N is for anywhere and anytime at all, down here in the deep blue sea.

Now after it's been torn apart by me an my friend, the words in bold are what needs to come to mind...

**F** is for **friends** who **do stuff together.**

**U **is for **you and me.**

**N** is for** anywhere** and **anytime at all.** Blah blah blah.

If you didn't get that, your mind is pure. Just repeat it a few times to yourself and stress out the words in bold. If you did get that, I bet you will never see kid shows the same way again. And if you already knew that, well me and my friend have created a new side...the perverted side. (And we have cookies and not lie about it.)

So What are you views on kids shows now? Or are our minds really that twisted? (I did not come up with this by myself.)

**(page break page break page break etc etc etc)**

***This book is not responsible if readers are scarred for life. You have been warned...somewhere before...probably.**

Well for this coffee break, I am currently high on coffee and such so if you think this coffee break was stupid, I would agree with you 100%

And as you can see, coffee breaks are random, there is no pattern for them.

Love it? Hate it? Review it!


	6. Don't want to be an author slash idiot

**Hiya! Dale is back!...guh I feel like crap. . anyways...Interesting stuff has been happening like... I'm almost graduating! :D**

**The title is sorta based on the song American Idiot by greenday. Wasn't that a great play on words? No? Yeah I agree...**

**Along with that I found an old paper I wrote on Capital Punishment O.O**

**Well On to the "How to.." that doesn't have anything to do with this**

**Disclaimer: I'm not really sure what there is to "disclaim" about but I'll say that Naruto does not belong to me**

**(I'm a Kakashi page break that's not supposed to be here...)**

So questions usually arise in people's minds and they think "Wow this is so good!" or "This is complete crap!" well either way, Kakashi doesn't care. He wants to share his..."talent" with you on...

How to be an author

Materials needed:

-An editor..or two...or three...

-Paper/pen/pencil/rocks/wood/sand/etc

-A computer/laptop/anything to type with

Traits an author should have/ how you know you're an author at heart:

-You talk to yourself

-You randomly shout out "That's a great idea!" (or something along those lines) when you have a good idea.

-You procrastinate and never meet your deadlines therefore resulting in the mental breakdowns/deaths of your editor(s) (that's why you need more than one)

-You get death threats from said editor about meeting your deadlines (which you never do)

-You confuse yourself a lot

-You are too lazy to write more reasons/explanations of how a person is an author

How to start on your own story:

There are one, or two most important things to do while writing a atory:

-Write random crap and hope people like it

***The most important thing for an author to do is...nothing.**

**That's right, you do nothing, something will come to you...eventually.**

For the editors: If you are an editor for a novelist or an author, you...are a brave soul.

*Books, pens, paper, laptops and computers will fall randomly from the sky in 10 seconds. UMBRELLAS WON'T HELP. It is suggested that you stay in one spot and hope that you don't get hit. Ah, the joys of being and author

**(I'm a pillow pet page break, it's a pillow, it's a pet, it's a pillow pet!)**

Well This one seemed to be a tad bit more serious than the ones before O.O But seriously, this was based off of my traits and stuff...

I don't really think I'm that funny all the time so I'm sorry if it didn't meet your expectations. Not really.

Love it? Hate it? Review it!


	7. kakashi? We've got a problem

**Well according to me, the chappie before was...not my best...**

**Thank You to everyone who reviewed/story alerted/ favorited my story! How many reviews are there now?...26? That to me is amazing :D**

**I think some of you have pointed out that some advice or How Tos aren't related to Kakashi in anyway, yes I under stand, just wait until it gets crazier when it gets in the possesion of some of the other characters in Naruto...I mean It's hard to write How Tos based on just Kakashi...**

**BUT here is one that's based somewht on Kakashi-sensei's teachings!**

**Writing Prompts: Icha Icha Paradise, cell phones, stuffed animals, books, and toilets :P**

**Disclaimer: I feel like I should put this up otherwise I would be in deep shit. Nothing belongs to me but my writing.**

**Warning: This has to do with Bathrooms and toilets, it's not advise that you eat and read this although if you do, this book is not responsible for any consequences.**

**(...Hn. If you must know, that was a Uchiha Sasuke page break)**

Huston...We've got a problem

So we've all obviously went to the bathroom at one point or another and there is always that one period in time where something just slips away from us and flies into the toilet. Admit it.

Exhibit A: Little kids love stuffed animals, they bring it everywhere with them, even the bathroom. They accidentally drop said stuffed animal into the toilet, resulting in one of the worst possible stuffed animal deaths ever.

Exhibit B: People have to have cell phones at some point in their lives right? And then you have to bring it everywhere with you. Yes. That's right, including to the bathroom. you might be busy doing something and the phone "magically" falls into the devils chamber. Aka. the toilet. Therefore, destroying your precious cell of phone, and you just may have to pay your entire months salary for a new one.

Exhibit C: The most commonly item brought into a bathroom if you feel that you are going to be in there for a long period of time...if you use the room like it was made for...not for something else. Coughspluttercough. AHEM. Well obvioulsy I'm talking about a newspaper or a book. And if you couldn't catch on yet, the book, miraculously falls into the toilet.

Solutions: If you don't want to waste money...

For Exhibit A: Suck it up and take the stuffed animal out, and wash it. If not, you probably have a million stuffed animals, no person only has ONE stuffed animal...it would be a lonely stuffed animal.

For Exhibit B: Well looks like you're going to have to wait for that free promotion for a new phone. besides, who needs a phone anyways. Pft.

Ehxibit C: For ordinary books, just go read another book from your book shelf. But if that book is Icha Icha Paradise, then that's a different story.

Scenario: You go to the bathroom with your Icha Icha Paradise and it falls into the toilet, and you don't know what to do. What do you do?

Answer: Follow these steps to save the book that is like a holy bible to you.

-Simple. Take out the book, put it in a bag for "hand washed" clothes, and wash it.

-Leave it out to air dry. The dryer is going to destroy it even more.

-The pages won't be as..."pure" as they were before...so you should bleach it and spray some febreeze on it while you're at it.

-Some couple thousand words are going to be faded/disappear so take a pen and re-trace the words. It won't be so hard.

***Remember you don't want to waste money. FOLLOWING THESE STEPS ARE CRUCIAL.**

And that is how you save your Icha Icha paradise book. However, you don't want this to be in your possesion for long, it's not good for your health, I mean it fell in the toiliet and you clean it with inhalants and chemicals that could kill you...

**!Important message! The best way is to go to that free Icha Icha paradise promotion that Ero-sennin is holding just down you're street...somewhere.**

**(I'm and Ero-sennin page break, I'm doing research...looking through you're window.)**

Well this is one of those moments where it WAS a good idea when I started but now it's like "...*sweatdrop* What the hell?" O.O'

Tell me what you think! :D

Love it? Hate it? Review it! xD

-Dale


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